Motherhood is wonderful and yet so hard....

I have so much in my heart and on my mind right now but not sure I can actually get it out the way I feel it.

I was reading my precious daughter's blog http://the-van-fam.blogspot.com/ this morning and caught myself reflecting on my early motherhood years. How precious and wonderful little children are. I have so many wonderful memories of Stephanie, Shannon and Matthew when they were each young. I remember how though it was tough managing everything and everyone at times, the main hurts I felt for them were seeing the skinned and bloody knees, the scary dreams I would comfort them over. Or, helping them through those first heartbreaks with girlfriends and boyfriends. I remember how much I hurt for Stephanie the end of her sophmore year when she didn't make the varsity cheerleading squad (and was the only JV that didn't). She was devastated and I remember sleeping in her bed the entire night holding her while she cried and cried. Through all those hurts we grew as a family and we learned alot about God's love and His grace and mercy. Stephanie learned a ton that following year as she was Head Captain of the JV squad. She learned so much about character. I remember her Aunt Lizby telling her that God is more interested in building character in us than giving us everything we want. Those hurts I look back on and am grateful for. They did build character in all of us.

I think I am suffering the biggest pain right now than I ever have as a mother. I pray with all my heart the Lord brings us through this one in one piece. Right now I feel so battered, so weak, and so worn. BUT, I know that I know that if I stay down, who will battle for my son. I have to take a stand and be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. I need to gird my waist with the belt of truth, put on my breastplate of righteousness, pull up my boots of peace, take my shield of faith, put on my helmet of salvation and pick up MY SWORD, pray and fight for my Matthew.

Matthew is a mess right now. He has done things that I never dreamed he would. I've been naive and thought it was just a stage. Matt has baggage that has never been dealt with but we are doing that. I think his dad's and my divorce was the hardest on him. Today he says he understands and knows we are both much happier but I think there was damage through it. I will not let my son continue to walk this path of destruction. I beg for your prayers. His name means, Gift from God, and he is indeed that. He is just so lost right now. Not lost in the Lord, he has his salvation but lost in his way.

Also, I am hurting with a broken heart for Shan who shared a hurt with me that about knocked me off my feet. She is graduating in a little over two weeks and I ask for your prayers for healing of her heart. I don't want her going out into the big ol' world with baggage. I am so grateful she shared this with me and I will pray with her through this all.

The enemy is so mean. But, we have a God that is so good. And I know that He is always for us. He is my Strength and my source of help in my time of need. I really ask for your prayers for our family. This pain is almost unbearable.

"Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

"And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints...." Ephesians 6:10-18